About a year ago, I felt that God had communicated something to me to do that was the last thing in the world I wanted. Initially, I resisted, but there was complete discord in my soul. Finally, I fell to my knees and cried out to God, "Lord, I do not want this, but if this is your will, I ask that you change my heart." I prayed that for a while, and my worst fears were never realized. God actually opened several doors in other directions that were wonderful, and has taken me down an amazing journey of self-discovery as well as discovery and desire for Him.
So you would think, after having had that experience, that when similar thoughts came rising up again it would be easier. That I could just hit the floor, say, "Your will be done" and get on with life. And on Friday night when all of this came crashing into my head rather suddenly, I did. And then I ran. All weekend I tried to drown out thoughts and feelings through the television, watching mindless entertainment, afraid to be still long enough to hear what God might say. Afraid to say anything to anyone directly lest they confirm what I'm worried about.
And then today I came to my senses. The light really is a marvelous thing, and as I shared the sordid details with a couple of friends, the reality of who God is set in and was reinforced by them. Once again, I can trust God completely with my life, with all battle, and with all giants. He is the ultimate lover of my soul, and all of His purposes have eternity in mind. Many of mine do not. If He does want me to go in a radically different direction than I thought to go in, why on Earth would I think it would be worse? He'll change my heart. Or He'll redirect my footsteps and show my fears to be completely unfounded. He is my Light and my Salvation; of what shall I be afraid?
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